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Fall Reflection


Just a warning, this post is going to go in a completely different direction than my posts in the past. As midterms have successfully passed, and I've somehow survived, I've found myself reaching a point of reflection. And since I haven't posted on here in a hot minute, I thought it would be a good place to start. Fall Quarter for my Sophomore year of college has been more of a challenge than I thought, however it didn't have to do much with the academic side of it. Going into September I would finally go to the doctor and get prescribed medication that I've needed for a very, very long time, and with that came some really uneasy feelings. What if I'm not as bad as I think I am and I'm doing this for attention? What if it makes me worse? What if it changes who I am as a person? Will I be able to change back? And while those worries do still sit in the back of mind some days, I can happily say that it's been a mostly positive path, with even more successful results. I feel like I saw medication as a way of completely changing your personality ---sometimes not for the best. But I've found that it's more of a roadblock on a cliff; as the days go by that roadblock moves farther and farther from the edge (and the edge of my depression), and when I do have bad days, it only hits the roadblock, and not the edge. Maybe one day, I'll have a normal roadblock, and I can cope better with my emotions. But for now, I can tell I'm getting better, and it's so interesting seeing what forms that can come in. From the ease of getting up in the morning, to things like tackling my studying space, self care, making time for loved ones, and for making things in general, its getting easier.

I can tell that the ones who are around me on a daily basis, especially my fiance (oh yeah! ta-da!), can sense that I'm doing better, and that they're happier because I'm happier. And if I knew that going on medication and taking better care of myself would improve the lives of the ones I care about the most, I would've done it way sooner. I think it's just this little voice that gets so loud and obnoxious; if you let it. It tells you that you can't do this or that, or that you deserve bad things that happen to you, or that you don't deserve happiness at all, and it's bull. It's total crap. I know this is a whole rant, and if you've gotten to this point I hope you kind of understand where I'm coming from. I used to be the person that would read positive stuff like this and never think I could reach this level of content, but here I am preaching it. I hope it continues to get better from here.

Lots of love, and a future post is coming sometime next week!

StrudelBee

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